Thoughts

In case I haven't already told you, I am in the final stages of applying to St. Joseph's College Seminary on the campus of Loyola University in Chicago. It has been interesting to say the least! I have only one more interview with one of three priests to go before the seminary board meeting that ultimately decides whether or not I am accepted will meet on March 21st to decide my fate. This is all pretty exciting stuff that has been going on including psychological testing, medical examinations and physicals, interviews with priests and discernment groups and retreats.

During the process, what I've really enjoyed doing is being able to just take time to really pray and meditate about whether or not God wants me to be a priest or not. I've realized that throughout everything, I have been shown the importance of total and complete trust in Him. A prayer that has been stuck in my mind and I have recited often is, "God, please reveal your will for me, and if I am not doing your will, please make it obvious!"

One thing that I have noticed so far is that while we as Christians try to live our lives entirely dedicated to God, so many things try to keep us from doing just that. In my life for example, while in the midst of my application process I have been struggling with laziness, lack of motivation, the feeling of unworthiness and also my feelings of interest towards girls. During discernment, I learned that it is okay to date and that it is important to develop good, strong, healthy and holy relationships with girls. While applying to the seminary, or for a person who is ready to enter seminary, it is important to distance yourself from serious dating since you are considering giving your life to Christ. For me this has been very challenging concept to grasp because simply put, "I like girls!" and I feel that ever since I started applying I have had more girls wanting to hangout or date and are way to serious about things than before I began applying. It feels like a tug and pull relationship. At one point I am strong in my discernment and yet I am also very weak.

Another part that has been addressed in recent interviews and conversations is the importance of academics. I have never been strong in my academic career and it is a huge problem. In fact, I learned that I might not be accepted because of that issue. I am advanced in History and English, but very poor in Math and Science. On top of this, I am a horrible test taker and this is clearly evident in my low ACT score.

I am finding it hard sometimes to be positive and upbeat of the application process. I do experience doubts and negative thoughts many times with what God really wants for me. I have attended seminary summer camps as well as other events in the Archdiocese and every where I looked, I kept thinking that I could really see myself becoming a priest and yet I am learning so often that it is harder than it looks. I am finding out that it is not easy to be a priest, let alone even be accepted into a seminary.

Despite everything, I have learned how important prayer and patience are! I have learned that it is important no matter what to never lose confidence and trust in God. I have confidence that he will put me right where he wants me, despite all of my girl and school troubles. I realize that even if I don't become a priest, I will continue to have my strong faith in Jesus and a strong love for His Catholic church. With God by my side, I will have nothing to fear. He has me in his arms, carrying me the whole way to where he knows I will be needed.

Feelings

It seems that every time someone looks like they have everything together, does the right thing or seems holy beyond measure, it seems like at that moment that the Devil will come after you hard. He will try to tempt you, try to exploit your weaknesses, trying to get you to let go just once from God and what he wants you to do.

This is something that I'm sure everyone has experienced, and unfortunately its something that I'm going through right now. At this point in my life, I feel under attack, then again doesn't everyone feel this way once in a while? Still, this feeling really bothers me. It bothers me that people look at my blog, write to me asking for advice, telling me that I will make a great priest someday and look at me as someone who is surely on the right path. It bothers me that I write back emails answering questions, counseling fellow friends, trying to give away words of wisdom, all while I struggle with very same things. I feel like a complete hypocrite.

It's easy for me when things are going right to say: "Lord, give me a cross to carry, and let me bring others closer to you and lead by example," but then as soon as a little temptation hits me, I'm done and I give up. On the outside I may look like I persevere through temptation and sin but on the inside when no ones looking over my shoulder, at that moment, that's when I give in to temptation. People tell me that I am strong in my faith, but in honest truth, my faith is weak. The quote, "How do you live your life, when no one is watching?", makes me think of myself every single time.

This may seem like a dark and depressing blog post, probably one that many of you will pass over. Some of you maybe thinking to yourself, "He used to have strong faith, and now it looks like he is no longer faithful to God. He has lost all hope and trust." But isn't this true for all of us? Isn't this something that we all face? Everywhere we look there are distractions, traps, bad decisions and sometimes they do get the best of us, but the challenge is making sure that no matter what we do, no matter how far down in the dark we feel, that we still stretch out our hands toward Jesus and His loving mercy.

Jesus loves us no matter how many bad things we do or say, but its up to us to make an effort towards Him. If we even so much as take a step in God's direction, we know that He will run a million miles to where you stand. We all have ups and downs, we all have difficult challenges that we face, but no matter how many times we fall, no matter how many times we feel worthless and down and covered in sin, we must remember how important it is to get back up and continue on the path to forgiveness. Christ will meet us there, guaranteed.

The Crosses that we bear

To each and everyone of us, God has given a cross. He has given us a cross so that while we carry it, we may become like Christ! God gives us a cross so that we become like Christ because we suffer and throughout it all we will continue to have and grow in faith in God and trust in Him that everything will be all right! We notice this in Jesus! Jesus, while suffering and crying in the Garden cowering in fear while praying to the Father, realized instantly that God would be with Him and that God would never leave His side! We must have the same attitude! We must never think that God is abandoning us and is punishing us by giving us a cross, but I think we should rejoice and be glad because God wants us to grow in trust, faith, and hope in Him! He is giving us an opportunity to suffer just like Christ did although we do not face the same cross that He bore in order to demolish man's sin!

Another thing that we should remember is that God would never give us a cross that He knew we couldn't handle! We may sometimes think that God is giving us the hardest cross to bear of all! However, God is giving us very easy crosses compared to Jesus'. We must believe that our Father is giving each and everyone one of us a cross that He knows we can carry for however long he wants! We must not be afraid, sad, and full of misery and depression, but we should be glad that we like Christ, are also carrying a cross that we can overcome just like Christ overcame His Cross when he rose from the dead! So indeed God does what He knows we can handle! Indeed Father knows best!